I don't know what to do????

Now that we are delayed again I am just not sure what step to take next. I don't know if I should go back on the Lupron shot or if I should stay off. I just don't know what to do!!
There are so many pro's and con's to both sides. On, Off, On, Off!! GRRRRR what should I do????? I don't really like the shot, but don't really like being off of it because then there is pain, but on it anymore I have a different type of pain my body aches so bad sometimes it feels like I have the Flu. Oh man why can't things just work the way I want it to. I'm sorry I am just being a baby. I know that I should not ask why and just trust that things will work out the way they are supposed to....but sometimes...............I just...

Halloween 2008

Here are some pictures from Halloween.  Tyler does not like Halloween like I do so it's a good thing the people I work with do.  We decorate the Pharmacy and this year the theme was Mad Scientists Laboratory!  Myself and the other two technicians dressed up as mad scientists and my Boss, Raymond dressed up as the Bride of Frankenstein.  We have a bunch of fun!  The Provo City Downtown Alliance hosts a safe Trick or Treating night in which all of the businesses on Center street and some of the businesses on University open their doors and hand out Candy to all those who would like to trick or treat.  It's only for three hours but there is a bunch of people that come.  It's a lot of fun.  So here are some pictures from that night!

Me and Tyler at home.

This is Raymond and Denise.  

Raymond.  

Denise she looked really Crazy!

Delayed Again.....

Well we are putting off the invitro for another couple of months. I am not sure how I feel about this. I am having mixed emotions. On the one hand I think it might me a good thing to not do it in December during all the holidays and all that fun stuff. I am just not sure if it didn't work again I think I would have a really hard time with it and not want to participate in all of the fun stuff. I had to do that last year and that was no fun! Plus we are going to Cancun in January and I would be really worried if I did get pregnant that I wouldn't do anything while in Cancun. I would want to walk around with a protective bubble around me with a sign that says please stay 15 feet away I need space!!! And for sure Tyler wouldn't let me do anything he would make me stay in the hotel and just look out the window at the ocean. And I definatley don't want to do that.
But on the other hand it is putting it off AGAIN!! We are coming up on the year mark of the last time we did it, and I didn't think that it would take us this long to try again. However my heart is healing and I don't cry everytime I talk about it and that is a really good thing. So I think I am ready to try again. So being ready to try again it is hard to keep putting it off. But I know that when we do try again it will be the right time!
So depending on Dr. Blauers schedule for next year it's looking like February or March. So I hope that we don't push it back again. So for now it will continue to be just the two of us and our little 4 legged babies.

Thanks!

I just wanted to tell all my friends and family thank you for your support. We would not be able to go through the things that we have gone through without all of you!! I am so thankful for the support that we have on all sides of us. We are so blessed to have such amazing family and friends. You all have played such a huge roll in our lives.

I don't know if you all know this but there are things that each of you do that help Tyler and I to keep marching on in our pursuit of having a family. So Thank You all again. We love you all so much and appreciate all that you guys do for us!!! I can not say Thank You enough. So again Thank you 1 million times. We love you all!!!

So Far So Good

I thought it was time to post something since it's been a month since my last post. As of right now this Lupron shot seems to be working. Which is really great I have felt better than I have felt in almost a year. We were planning on doing a frozen in-vitro cycle in October, but I chickened out.
I just was not ready yet. I am hoping that I will be ready to try again in December. It will be a full year since the first time we did the in-vitro. I think I will be ready!

I am in my new home, everything is pretty much settled and we are back doing the things that we are supposed to be doing so for once I feel like my life is settling down and not just in constant turmoil. So I hope that this go around I can be more calm and more positive and hopefully that will make all the difference.

So I am thinking calm thoughts and getting myself all Zen.

Ouch that hurt!!

So I had another Lupron shot yesterday. Let's hope this one works!! I don't enjoy getting these shots because it makes my bum hurt where it goes in. (Autumn you know!) However the nurse at my infertility Dr.'s office is so so good at it that it actually doesn't hurt that bad. But the next day it hurts.
So here's hoping that it works!!

I just have to say this....... Autumn thanks for posting pictures of the babes and talking about how amazing they are. It makes me know for sure that this is all worth it! You have always been Tyler and I inspiration. We know that if you can do it, we can do it too. So thanks!!

Also Tyler's sister just had twins from in-vitro this month and they are so so sweet and seeing them makes it all worth it!!

And one more thing.....
My sister's little girl had her 3rd birthday this month and we went down for her Birthday and seeing that little face and getting to watch her learn and experience things makes me know that we will someday have babies of our own whether it be by in-vitro like Autumn and Heather or by adoption and the stork brings us a wonderful gift like my sister Brigette. I know it will happen and all of the hurt and pain of trying to get them here will all be wiped away and the only thing we will be able to see is our babies!

We want Babies!!!! (stomping my foot)

Ok so my friend Denise and I were discussing blogs, and I was thinking about what I wanted to talk about and the only thing I want to talk about is babies. So between postings of Tyler's pictures you are going to read me talking about my infertility troubles.

There are a couple of reasons I want to do this:
#1 I need an outlet
#2 and the most important reason when we finally do have babies I would like to have a memoir of what we went through to get them here. I think it would be great thing to have.

So I'm sorry if you don't want to hear about it, you can stop reading. But this is mainly for me and for those people who care about us and love us and want to go through it with us.

This is a picture of our embryos that we had implanted on November 29, 2007. I can't throw this picture away. Call me crazy but I feel like it's a picture of my babies their first picture. I know I know they aren't here I'm not even pregnant but I can't get rid of it. Am I crazy?????

So the day we got the news that we weren't pregnant was probably one of the worst days of my life. I thought for sure we were pregnant. I thought how is it possible that we aren't??? I don't get it. I needed someone to explain to me why, but no one could nobody had an answer. I guess I thought that it was going to be like magic and Dr. Blauer was going to wave his wand and make it happen. I just thought it was our time. But it wasn't and we weren't pregnant and we had to move on. I'm not sure I have moved on completely . My heart broke in two that day. First because we weren't pregnant and second because my sweet sweet husbands heart was broken. I didn't know that men got baby hungry but they do and my sweet sweet husband wants to be a daddy really bad. I never ever want to see that look on his face again. I felt like I let him down. I have never felt more broken ever in my life. I felt like he got a bum wife and I felt really bad that I couldn't bring babies into our lives.

So for now Our hearts are healing and we are moving forward.

Today we saw the Dr. again. You see not only do we have infertility problems I have endometriosis (ouch) and cysts on the ovaries (a bunch of them ouch again) and we are trying to suppress those mean things that grow. The suppression isn't working and I am hurting a lot and getting very very frustrated. So we are going to try the suppression drug one more time and hope that it works this time (cross your fingers). But we did set a goal to try to do in-vitro again in October. Which is what I am really excited about.

You see when we got the embryos on the 29th of November we also had 5 other little embryos that we got to freeze, and we are going to use them. Our next hurdle is to keep me suppressed and hope the pain goes away, and hope and pray that those little baby embryos are still alive. There is a chance that they may not live through the freezing and un-thawing process. But we aren't going to think that they didn't live we are going to think positive.

So the next few months I am going to be posting my progress and talking about the things that are going on in the efforts to have babies. So please bare with me during this journey. There are going to be sad times and happy times and mood swings galore. I am excited and scared but I am ready! I ask that you pray with us and for us, because we are going to need it. Thanks for letting me have an outlet and place to document this amazing journey.

Ok so I am going to post some of Tyler's pictures because they are so good and I can't stand the fact that we don't do anything with them. He is such an amazing photographer. He takes beautiful pictures. If anybody see's something you want let me know and I will sell you a copy of it!

Power!

Ok so I don't have alot to say but I do want to share this quote with everyone......

"When you live in reaction, you give your power away. Then you get to experience what you gave your power to."— N. Smith

I read that quote and felt empowered by it! It is so true and it is something I am going to try to do! More power to ya!!!

Ok Go!

Ok so we are going to try out this blogging thing. I don't know that I am going to be very good at it, but we will give it a go!

I don't usually have a hard time finding things to say, but for today I have a fried brain and don't have much to talk about. I promise in the future there will be some good stuff to read about. I am not a shy person and I love to talk so be ready for some funny stuff. Ta Ta for now!